Dad

I have been thinking about my father lately. I have never written about him although he was the most influential person in my life. He pushed me to excel and while I resented the very conditional acceptance he offered me, I fully realize that it was his pushing me that allowed my life to be one rich in opportunities and great satisfaction. While my challenge is and has been to accept myself, I would not trade any of my experiences, adventures or associations for anything.

My dad had an enormous and very loving heart. He was a dentist by trade but a healer and cheerleader at his core. He had a huge capacity for work and this is what he did and what defined him. He worked 12-14 hours most days and when he came home, he did not collapse, relax and rejuvenate; he worked out and usually worked out hard. He had amazing energy, persistence and fortitude. This likely came from deep inside him as a response to his "demons". He could not and did not love and accept himself so his work allowed him to calm his internal fire, at least in large part. His patients and friends were the lucky recipients of all his gifts; he was an amazing dentist technically, creatively and humanistically. He gave with his hands and even more with his heart as he cared for his people in a true and profound way. He was always there for his patients and friends no matter if their needs extended beyond their mouths.

At home, he was both a great dad and a "not great dad". He was an incredible provider for my sister, mom and I. Despite his own poor roots, he sent me to private school and a great college and medical school. He gave me incredible support financially and emotionally through all these experiences. He used to write me letters while I was in college, motivating me and keeping my spirits high. My friends could not believe that such support could ever come from a parent. He was intolerant of poor performance in school, sports or work. I feared his disapproval and came to value his high standards as my own. Our biggest clash was when I wished to stray from the "standard" path. This invoked his wrath and anger and led him to reject me. These were very painful times for me.

He loved both my sister Nancy and me very much but the "conditional" acceptance was painful for us both. That combined with his explosive anger shaped us both and continues to define who we are. We both are searching to "find ourselves" and our own voices and this process has been prolonged in both our cases. We both ventured away from having families and so our quest to love ourselves unconditionally has been allowed to be an extended pursuit. His financial success has further allowed Nancy and I to live in the existential realms much longer than most. We both are blessed to have been given such a tremendous gift of financial assistance and a deep inner longing for unconditional love.

I believe he had this deep, inner longing also but was not able to indulge it. He had a deep sense of inner rejection of himself. This was apparent in his anger and inner drive. He did not have the benefit of psychotherapy or a belief in a higher power so he was alone to try to handle his demons. His exceptional strength kept him away from chemical addictions. His only outlet was his exercise for many years. He did handle his negative emotions for the most part with brief lapses that caused my mom, sister and I some wounding but hurt him most of all.

In the end, he was trying to retire or slow down but realized he never truly could. We all knew he couldn't not work. Ironically, the night he sold his dental practice, he experienced "a random event" beyond possible imagination. He was robbed in his office by a "petty thief". When he resisted, the thief shot him in his enormous heart. He died from that wound and was left in a nearby dumpster. A tragedy beyond possibility. Or was it? He could not have lived without work. He did not have the tools necessary to go on without giving to others. Maybe his end was the most compassionate way for him to leave this world. I pray that his soul was not injured by the violence. I pray that his soul still could travel to the next realm with a love that he so richly deserved. Maybe we don't have to find peace in this life to receive the blessing from God that we all crave from our deepest being. Maybe that is the real message of all the traditions: we are forgiven and loved no matter what. The love and the light can restore beauty and wholeness in an instant--that is what I hope for my dad. Maybe that is the lesson. He lived a full and giant life. He gave and received love. I believe that he is "up there" back in the realm of unconditional love and I pray that he can finally take it all in.