Connection: To others vs ourselves

I have spent my life and career focused on the role of social connection in the maintenance of health. I am realizing that while this is certainly of premium importance that perhaps, it is contingent upon and based on an ability to connect with oneself. There are 2 older lady seniors that are on my radar that have led me to realize this critical fact. Both are loving, intelligent and worldly ladies. Both have reached their late 80's and struggle with a deep loneliness that repeatedly returns to haunt them in a painful manner. Both are "well-connected" in terms of either friends or relatives who love them dearly and "look after" them frequently and with an abiding love. However, neither can "hold" the feeling of love inside themselves ongoingly or consistently. This suffering is getting worse as they get older.

These 2 wonderful ladies bring up and challenge my mission in the medical realm. I believe from my core that love and perceived social connection are the critical ingredients to health. I have pioneered group medical visits and senior community groups as a means to combat the loneliness and isolation that often accompany aging. These communal groups are effective in achieving their goals of providing knowledge and options while instilling a sense of community. However, there is a subset of individuals who are not able to feel the connection or maintain the feeling. These individuals were often "only" children or separated by many years (i.e. over 8 to 10) from their siblings. In any case, there are individuals whose "tanks" are difficult or impossible to fill. These 2 ladies fall into this category.

So, what to do for these "at risk" individuals? Is there anything to do? Can they be taught the sense of connection that they missed as children? Can they be taught to access the feeling of connection and love that keeps people well and connected? I have thus far been unsuccessful in passing this capacity onto my 2 lady friends. So, how does one learn/develop this capacity? The answer, to me, lies in the spiritual realm. Not that God is required but a core feeling of connection and love that many access through their religions and/or relationship with a "higher power" seems to provide protection from loneliness and despair. In my 2 ladies situations, they both had relationships with a God earlier but their loneliness in recent years has led them both to forsake that relationship. In essence, they are both too wounded now to continue what may have sustained them earlier (while they were more engaged and active in life with spouses, children, careers). Both are resistant to return to their spirituality; conceivably, refusing the medicine that could relieve their suffering. I believe in their situations, it is not a conscious refusal of help but an unconscious rejection of all as their hurt has just become too large.

I am not at all saying that the answer is God or any divine being. I do believe, it is a connection with self that is deep and internal. Meditation could nurture this as well as connection with a divine being or nature. I believe what I am referring to is an internal sense of self love that is deep, strong and has endurance. Connection can come through science (?), nature, spiritual pursuits or interpersonal interaction. It likely has a multitude of origins and paths. It does not seem to be of the head (mind) but more of the heart (emotions and feelings) but I am not sure at all that this is a requirement. It is a longing and that is why I believe it does not evolve out of thinking but out of feeling. The real question is how to access this feeling when negative feelings (sadness, guilt, anger, fear) dominate one's consciousness. This is not just a challenge for the elderly but for all humans who go forth in this life. Aging provides time for existential reflection that can make these issues more intense but youth certainly can and does bring up these issues just in different forms (addictions, behaviors and dangerous lifestyles).

Inner peace is the issue and how to find it when it is not one's natural state is the challenge. For each individual, the path is different. However, the road leading "home" is through one's own heart not just through our associations with others or the world. How to open that connection is the key but that key is hidden until it is found.