Estranged

Not many words bring up such a visceral response in me and others as "estranged". To me, not much is more disheartening as when 2 people who formerly shared love and some level of relationship become estranged. Estranged goes beyond dislike and even hatred. Estranged basically says that 2 people cannot maintain any level of relationship.

On a recent hospice house call, I met a very warm and bright 90 year old who was doing ok medically (though certainly with challenges). I had time to talk more than is customary in a "re-certification visit" and she was engaging and quite pleasant to converse with. I always enjoy talking to "wise" seniors who are fortunate enough to have maintained their wits about them. She had lived a long and full life with a general sense of gratitude and a feeling that she was blessed.

However, when I asked her what I could "really" do for her, she shared with me her pain. She had raised 2 children -- a son and daughter. She was very connected to her son who lived next door and was very supportive to her. Her daughter lived in Oregon and they had not spoken or seen each other for 17 years. I was shocked to hear this as she seemed remarkably pleasant and a good communicator. She related the issues that created their separation and their efforts to heal the rift. She did not cry as she told her story and the wound was obviously quite chronic and "solidified".

Being the person I am (sensitive but naive and maybe too bold), I offered to call her daughter in an effort to guide them to healing their separation. I spoke to her daughter at length and found her also to be bright, articulate, and pleasant. She was unemotional also and quite clear in her desire to stay estranged from her mother. Apparently, my patient and her husband had had a very "rocky" marriage with much fighting and periods apart. The daughter was more like the husband and much more connected to her dad than to her mom. There were clearly delineated "issues" that both parties felt aligned with and it had just gotten to be too painful to continue their relationship.

Now there are obviously a multitude of details that I don't know and don't understand. They are both strongly aligned with their faiths (both Christians) with a strong belief in God, forgiveness and love. They both are in relationship with the daughter's kids and other common family members. However, for them (and the daughter in particular), continuing their relationship was just too painful so they became and have stayed "estranged".

I would like to say the story has a happy ending but it does not (at least, not yet). The daughter had no interest in re-connecting in any way, shape or form.

This scenario -- estrangement -- is not uncommon but it touches me in a deep way. I can honestly say that nothing has been more difficult for me than those times when my father denied my presence. I feel for my new patient and I want to erase her pain in some way but I cannot. I fully know she contributed to her situation. I also know and feel her daughter's pain. She may be the "boundary setter" but I know it hurts her to her core. My patient revealed to me that the daughter is also estranged from 1 of her 3 children. So this hardening of her heart (although maybe justified and legitimate and conceivably necessary for her self-protection) is carrying on in other aspects of her life. Life is not usually cleanly divided into neat sections.

So, why do I feel compelled to write about this? Why do I crave resolution and reconciliation for these 2 people that I do not really know? I don't think my deep feeling for this situation is unique to me. This estrangement is the opposite of connection and I believe connection is what we are wired for and what we need as much as food or water. I want it for me and I want it for all beings. I realize that the world is far from perfect and "shit happens" but I also believe with all my heart that this is what we are here to learn and to work through. This is what spirituality is about and this is what life is really all about. I am ready to learn and understand more.

In my reading (ie Dying Well by Ira Byock), one of the keys to a good end of life is peace in our relationships. That does not mean we have to always agree or be "fake" in our interactions to keep the peace. It means coming to a respect for the other and maintaining a commitment in relationship with the other. Forgiveness and acceptance bring a world of healing -- they are the path to peace. Forgiveness and acceptance do not mean letting oneself be repeatedly hurt. We may need to protect ourselves if someone is not respectful or kind to us. Forgiveness is an internal shift that allows us to "let go" of our own anger, resentment or guilt -- things that hurt US. We do it for ourselves not for the other. Forgiveness and acceptance allow us to stay in relationship with people who are challenging to us. They permit peace inside and prevent estrangement and isolation.

These principles do not just apply to the end of life. These principles allow living to be better, much better. Walling off our heart is not good for anyone -- young, old, sick or well. Connection is the fruit of life and needs to be valued for what it is -- the ultimate gift.